Oh yes, baby! These were the best 4 hours, 23 minutes and 29 seconds of my life. Finishing the New York City Marathon was a euphoric victory. The back of my medal rightly reads: “A thriumph of the will over all limits”. Finishing made me feel so full of life and proved I’m still capable of legendary achievements.
I fucking did it!

My Road to Recovery started June 8 2004 with the diagnosis of cancer. On November 4 2007 – my 27th birthday – I finished the marathon of New York. I wrote in a small font on the back of my shirt “Best birthday ever” – and it surely was. Milestones don’t come any better than this. I am profoundly thankful for my recovery so far.

This will be the end of this blog. Something new will surely emerge, yet there is no better end having completed the road which led from chemotherapy in the hospital to finishing the marathon in New York City. My first posts title was “From zero to chemotherapy in 11 days…” – who would have believed I would finish the marathon 3 years later? I thank everyone who loved and supported and believed in me throughout these years with whole my heart!

Livestrong! Rogier

My roommate Nan celebrated her (imminent) graduation from Delft University of Technology that day, so we had a big party at night. Congrats Nan!

Today is LIVESTRONG Day – the right day to share with you I signed up for the New York City Marathon 2007! My goal is to cross the finishline.

Why run a marathon?

1. Because running a marathon after chemo- & radiotherapy would be an amazing achievement. A new milestone. And with training, I might even be able to do so .
2. Because I’m going through a new phase in recovery and sports help strengthen my body. Having a goal to train for would focus my efforts.
3. Because the course leads you across five bridges through all five boroughs of New York City. I love New York.
4. Because this year it’s on my birthday, November 4 2007. It’s just meant to be.

You might say it’s crazy, too soon or something – but if doctors/injuries don’t stop me, I’ll be running this November 4.

I am regaining strength and confidence. Things are improving.

Reading the draft-text now feels awkward, as it comments on my last activities before all hell broke loose and brings back memories of those last awkward weeks. Already quite before the last week in which there was no denying I was gravely ill, I felt most strange, unsure, and above all : without any focus. I could not concentrate on anything those last weeks. I tried to get things done in the lab, but no matter how hard I tried to work I achieved absolutely nothing. No focus.

Well here it is : draft of PU-mail number 10. I wrote it in Dutch and hope you like it. The first sentence was more valid than I could anticipate : “What a month!”.

—

PU-mail 10 : Has your overweight dog lost a step or two?

Beste Vrienden en Vriendinnen,

Wat een maand! Mijn roommate is terug naar Duitsland, ik ben verhuisd op de campus, 18.000 alumni van Princeton kwamen terug naar hun alma mater voor de Reunions en het collegejaar is afgelopen voor alle undergraduates. Oh ja, en Pedigree is een grote advertentiecampagne op televisie gestart om hun nieuwe dieet-hondenbrokken in de markt te zetten met als slogan “Has your overweight dog lost a step or two?”. Je ziet dan een te dikke hond vertraagd over het scherm lopen terwijl alle slanke hondjes in de achtergrond in draf passeren en een hoop plezier met elkaar hebben. Gelukkig knapt de hond zienderogen op wanneer hij de speciale dieet-brokken van Pedigree krijgt! Heel bizar. Overigens kunnen de meeste hondenbezitters ook zo’n low fat-hondenbrokken-dieet gebruiken (misschien moet ik dat ideetje maar even naar Pedigree opsturen). Hoe leg je dit uit aan de rest van de wereld?

Het leven is hier vrij sterk veranderd nu het collegejaar is afgelopen. Alle 4600 undergrads naar hun ouders zijn vertrokken (of hun zomerstage – het is vrij gewoon in de zomer onderzoek te verrichten of bij een bedrijf te werken). En ook veel visiting graduates zijn terug naar waar ze vandaan kwamen. Zo is mijn roommate Tasho terug naar Duitland en zijn ook Henning, Valentin, Ed etc etc vertrokken. Het begint hier flink doods te worden. Eén graduate vertelde mij dat de zomer ideaal was omdat “het dan uitgestorven is en verschrikkelijk heet, terwijl alleen de labs en de bibliotheken airconditioned zijn. Ideaal om te werken dus”. Misschien ideaal om te werken ja, maar gezellig klinkt het niet. Gelukkig woont iedereen ergens anders, wat leuke mogelijkheden biedt voor toekomstige vakanties!

Het is nauwelijks te beschrijven hoe de drie dagen van de Reunions waren. Zo’n 18.000 rijke alumni kwamen terug naar Princeton. Iedereen was oranje gekleed en heel de campus was verbouwd : bekijk de foto’s en de filmpjes op de site! Het blijkt dat vooral de lustrumjaren vrij compleet naar Princeton terug kwamen (dus alle classes die een factor van 5 jaren zijn afgestudeerd : class of 1999, 1994, 1989 etc). Overal op de campus stonden grote feest-tenten waar vijf “jaren” samen verzamelden : dus een tent voor de classes van 1960-65 etc. In elke tent was drie dagen lang gratis drank en eten te halen en elke dag live muziek. Het leuke was dat de muziek afgestemd was op de jaren die in die tent verbleven : de 45-50 tent has dixie-muziek, de 65-70 tent had een beatles-cover band en bij de 90-95 tent had een dj.

Het hoogtepunt van de Reunions was de P-rade : een optocht van alle “jaren” in Princeton-kleding. Voorop mocht de class van 1979 (25 jarig jubileum). Niet zo gek ook aangezien zij met zo’n 500 man in deze drie dagen zo’n 5.5 miljoen dollar aan de universiteit hebben gedoneerd… Daarna werd de volgorde bepaald door ancienniteit. De jongere klassen staan langs de kant en sluiten aan wanneer het hun beurt is. Er zijn speciale liedjes waarmee klassen elkaar groeten en wij deden natuurlijk volop mee in deze gekte. Van de class van 1925 was 1 man aanwezig die met een golfcart werd rondgereden: hij moet zeker ouder dan 100 jaar zijn. De man van de class van 1931 werd als waren held binnengejuicht omdat hij de oudste man was die de optocht lopend aflegde. Ik kan het moelijk beschrijven : de foto’s geven een betere impressie. Het spektakel duurde zo’n 3 uur.

Hoewel het een detail is in het geheel geeft het vuurwerk dat afgestoken werd op de Reunions een goed beeld van hoe zaken hier worden geregeld en hoeveel geld hier beschikbaar is. Er werd vuurwerk afgestoken, maar natuurlijk niet zomaar vuurwerk. Het vuurwerk werd verzorgd door Garden State Fireworks. Dit bedrijf heeft als eerste een combinatie van muziek en vuurwerk gerealiseerd (“musically choreographed displays” waarbij het vuurwerk dus afgestemd is op de muziek die wordt gespeeld) en hebben daarmee alle mogelijke internationale prijzen gewonnen. Het is zelfs zo erg dat hen is gevraagd om een paar jaar niet mee te doen met internationale wedstrijden om de competitie een kans te geven. Zij zijn de exclusieve leverancier van vuurwerk aan World Disney (grootste verbruiker van vuurwerk in de wereld). En zij worden dus geregeld om hier voor wat alumni vuurwerk af te steken. Het was erg indrukwekkend. Leuk was ook dat ze een lied van Princeton hadden voorzien van vuurwerk. Ik heb een filmpje op de site gezet.

Ik ben verhuisd naar het Old Graduate College [nieuwe adresgegevens + telefoonnummer : zie mijn signature]! Mijn kamer is onderdeel van het North Court en daarmee schitterend gelegen en zeer ruim. Ik heb twee kamers tot mijn beschikking en deel een badkamer met een vriendelijke jongen die politicologie studeert. Hoewel ikzelf erg veel geluk heb met de kamers die mij zijn toegewezen dit jaar, is het Housing Department het enige onderdeel van de universiteit hier die eens grondig gereorganiseerd mag worden. Eerst kregen we de “absolute garantie” dat we ook in de zomer in 1903 mochten blijven wonen – wat een foutje bleek. Toen werd ons verteld dat we voor 4 juli moesten verhuizen en toen… kregen alle 25 graduates die nog in 1903 een email op 2 juni om 11.15 uur dat er een foutje was gemaakt en dat we DIEZELFDE dag nog moesten verhuizen. De bouwvakkers liepen al door ons gebouw om dingen te slopen. Grappig genoeg hadden ze ons eerst van internet afgesloten en hebben ze ons daarna pas de mail verstuurd. Chaos brak los… Mooi detail is ook dat als je replyde op de email je een automatisch “out-of-office” bericht kreeg. Is het niet geweldig ?

De undergraduates hebben trouwens een mooie uitdrukking voor het Graduate College : “Where the third world meets the nerd world”. Ik vind het een heel typerende opmerking voor de undergraduates omdat als ze werkelijk de graduates zouden leren kennen ze zouden zien dat er nauwelijks studenten uit de Third World zijn. Enkel de First en de Second World is vertegenwoordigd op Princeton. Maar dat van de nerds is natuurlijk wel terecht .

En… Mijn ouders zijn zo’n kleine twee weken overgekomen naar de VS! Het derde bezoek (!) van mijn ouders dit jaar was wederom erg geslaagd en het is volgens mij ook nog goed gelukt om hen dingen te laten zien die ze nog niet eerder hadden beleefd. Een uitstapje naar de gokpaleizen in Atlantic City was een indrukwekkende ervaring (die een 25% grotere omzet hebben dan die in Las Vegas!). “AC” ligt aan de zee en het is best grappig om over het strand lopend de zon te zien ondergaan in het land in plaats van in de zee. Daarnaast zijn we naar een wedstrijd van de NY Yankees geweest en hebben we de wijk Brooklyn doorwandeld. Deze wijk van New York vind ik zelf erg gezellig – en je komt nauwelijks toeristen tegen die enkel over elkaar heen buitelen op Manhattan. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Eef shaking hands with the director of the FM-Academy at the HHS!

Eef signing her diploma. BBA for real now.

Celebration followed!

Cousin Seva was also present, naturally.

Died speeching at the tapas-bar.

Eef with her proud parents.

See the other pictures here!

Dear Friends around the World,

Life can be tough : Sanne broke up with me in August. Sanne and I were together for seven and a half years and it was such an amazing time. Our relationship was pure, genuine and honest – I don’t think I would have changed anything if I could. We stimulated each other to pursue dreams, explore talents and think of others. Cancer and it’s treatment thoroughly disturbed the balance in our relationship, but we learned to accept what you cannot change, seize the moment when you can and focus on what is possible instead of what is not. In these times you show your real heart to each other and we made the best of it. We loved each other.

Sanne says* she has too much doubt lately. Sanne told me when I got back from a holiday in Croatia. We had planned a holiday in France one week later, and decided to go there anyway. The real shock for me came after we returned to Leiden – when we really separated.

Sanne is great – and I miss her. Her love is deep, rewarding and fulfilling. It took me weeks to merely understand what was happening and I still haven’t adapted to the new situation at all. I felt very sad, and later a bit angry: How can my love not be enough? Why are we not fighting for this relationship? How certain can you be with life in a state of flux? Of course, these are just flawed attempts at trying to deal with my feelings of frustration. I can’t be angry with Sanne – I never have been and I never had any reason to. I guess people can’t fully control their innermost feelings – and I think Sanne wished she had felt different about this.

- Paris & Parents
Afterwards I went to Paris with my parents and Died. It was nice to focus on the city, food and cycling for a couple of days. My parents told me at least 100 times afterwards that it was só good of me to gently force them to go on a holiday, for the first time after Martijn’s death. Since then they really got in the mood for holidays : they went to the Veluwe for a weekend, went to Flevoland to see wild animals and as I’m writing this, they are in Bremen, Germany, for a music festival. Keep that spirit!

- Sanne, continued
After her graduation last December, Sanne has been very picky in selecting possible future employers. This meant few applications and an thorough search for the right job – and her strategy has paid off. The Ministry of Economic Affairs hit the jackpot and hired Sanne as RijksTrainee as part of the prestigious traineeprogramme of the Dutch Government.
On top of that Sanne found a beautiful and yet affordable appartment in Leiden (that is given her new monthly check, I suppose ). And last but not least : her mother Marjan and Wim got married on July 11 in a beautiful, warm and intimate ceremony, see
http://www.van-willigen.net/weblog/2006/09/09/huwelijk-wim-en-marjan/

- Croatia
Together with five friends I went to Trogir in Croatia for two week. That was a lot of fun and you can find some nice pictures on my weblog :
http://www.van-willigen.net/weblog/2006/09/09/bs06-croatia/

- Lance Approves of my blog!
The Lance Armstrong Foundation has put up a link on its website to some 40 weblogs of cancerpatients/survivors who ‘blogged against cancer’ on Live Strong Day (May 17). By coincidence I just found out – and I’m thrilled! See my weblog for more.

- Conference on Cancer in Switzerland!
Next week I’m going to Lausanne to attend the 6th ISREC meeting on Cancer Research in Lausanne with some 25 members of my research-group at the Dutch Cancer Institute. That will be very interesting and fun at the same time.

Baz Luhrmann made a great song called ‘Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)’ in which he suggests that the real troubles you face will always come as a surprise. There is no way to anticipate them. I guess he’s right. I added music to my blog for your listening pleasure. I will add this song, too.

“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”

Keep in touch! And direct beautiful girls to me if you find any!

Love, Rogier

* Please realize you are reading Rogier’s email. If you want to know exactly what Sanne thinks, go ask her. Having said that, I try to be fair here.

By sheer coincidence I just found out the Lance Armstrong Foundation has put a link on their website to my blog! As part of the Live Strong Day on May 17, I wrote a small post (here). They value this and show who ‘blogged against cancer’ by putting up a link. See here on their site.

This is what they wrote :
“Blog Against Cancer”

Hundreds were a part of LIVESTRONG Day by blogging against cancer on Wednesday, May 17. Blogs range from how cancer has affected lives and contain views about health policy issues facing cancer survivors. Each blog helps put a name and face to the more than 10 million cancer survivors in the United States.”

Live Strong!

Here’s the most recent picture I have from her, when she joined in on a whole group of family and friends going out for stand-up comedy at Boom Chicago in Amsterdam last December. Hanneke had cancer and took chemo, but still joined the young crowd to go out (you see my dad in the picture ). That’s Hanneke for you.

Also see the Lance Armstrong Foundation

Dear Friends around the Globe,

Disaster has struck us, as I mailed you all right after Martijn died. It still feels totally unreal to me that my brother is not alive anymore – incomprehensible. Going through cancer-treatments, I already became very much aware how important your friends are for support. Once again, I’m getting much support from a lot of you. Thank you.

- Martijn
Martijn’s funeral ceremony was strikingly beautiful. So many of you were present, it was even hard to find an empty spot to stand in the back of the church and after the burial we were shacking hands of friends and family for way over two hours. Loads of emails and cards with lots of words or without any. It is comforting to feel so much sympathy and to see we were not the only ones shocked beyond belief. My mind is a big question-mark. Why? How can I not have seen this coming? Why didn’t he ask me for help? Did I fell short in love or support or anything else? Could I have helped prevent this?
Naturally these feelings dominate since, and I don’t know the best way to move forward. I stayed at home for some three weeks and then felt I needed some daily rhythm to hold onto and therefore went back to the laboratory (more on that later). I still have a hard time concentrating on scientific articles and stuff. I miss my brother.

Marga, Theo, Sanne and I left for 10 days of skiing in Italy – we definitely were in need of a break. There was grief, sadness and confusion, but also quite a lot of fun. It did us well. Sanne amazed us by learning how to ski within days, something perceived as important in this family . Quite an achievement as she had to deal with three instructors at every moment… My parents enjoyed taking a break so much, they actually just returned from their second ski-trip to Italy.

- Since last September…
Although it’s weird to mention in the same mail discussing my brother’s funeral ceremony, fortunately I can say my health is improving at an amazing pace since my last recovery-mail from September. Before last summer, it was too demanding for my body to engage in any sports. Now, however, it is just perfect. Doing sports some two, three times a week is really helping me rebuild my body and recover my strength. I play squash mostly with Died and play korfball in a team with lots of friends. We made it to champion in our low-level league, which we celebrated extensively (see weblog for pictures).
My body starts feeling better again, although the process of “resocializing”
is not easy.

- Cancer Research
As I wrote in my first recovery-mail, right before my diagnosis with cancer in Princeton I was looking for opportunities in the field of cancer research to do my next internship. I found this interesting laboratory of Prof. Rene Bernards at the Netherlands Cancer Institute / Antoni van Leeuwenhoek Hospital in Amsterdam. Now that I was recovering I decided, after quite some thought, that this is an amazing opportunity for me to contribute a little to cancer research after recovering from my own cancer. What could be more inspiring and satisfying?

So after I followed my first course again at Leiden University from October (which I aced ), I attended an intense course in Experimental Oncology at the NCI during the whole of November. This was not always very comfortable as scientists talk quite differently about patients and survival and even my own cytostatica were discussed. The lecturers probably weren’t aware that during my treatments, only hearing the name of any of my chemotherapy-agents was often already enough to make me throw up . Classes started at 9 am sharp in Amsterdam daily for 4 weeks – something I had not been accustomed to for at least one and a half years. I was very determined to attend every single class and have done so. Sanne was quite amazed I could keep it up and was proud of me (that felt good). A small victory.

So I talked to Prof. Rene Bernards and discussed opportunities for an internship with some of his group members. He accepted me and Jasper Mullenders is now supervising me – a 4th year graduate student who also graduated in Chemistry from Leiden university. He’s very personable, intelligent and hard working. I was only one week in the lab when Martijn died. Jasper worked with me and left it up to me to return to the lab and determine my own working hours after Martijn died. I’m very lucky with this grad student with social skills as direct supervisor.

- Sanne M.Sc.
Sanne graduated last December from the University of Amsterdam with a Master of Science degree in Econometrics! Sanne got lots of praise from Dr.
Tuinstra, who supervised her when she wrote her thesis on the influence of negative feelings among the electorate on election outcomes. She threw a huge party with her two roommates, who both graduated almost at the same time. The party was fan-tas-tic and held in a crowded house across the Ij in Amsterdam (great pics on my blog!). Can I get you anything, Master?

- Dutch Odyssey
I founded this company Dutch Odyssey on January 1 2006. The company sells the advertisement space on my websites. Maarten (programming), Died (mail management), Leung (design) and Clemens (accounting) all have helped me a little or more than a little with this endeavor. Time had come to do fun things you feel like, I thought, and in December I really felt like starting a small business.

- A full 120% Fertile!
More good news to end this email. Completely against my expectations, my doctors informed me I completely regained fertility! I was tested two weeks ago. They consider sperm-counts of over 20 million/ml to be normal, where mine is 59 million/ml. Motility is perfect at 59% of the cells, where everything above 40% is considered normal. And the movement ’speed’ of these motile cells is good as well. Wow, another sign my body is recovering well from the treatments…

More than enough content for one email. I hope you all are doing well.

Keep in touch!

Love, Rogier