Recovery mail 8 : Backpacking! (with a Luxury Car though)
Thursday, September 8 2005
Dear Friends around the Globe,
An update with info and pictures on two great holidays and more!
- Upcoming.
Last week I got an x-ray to make sure cancer has left my body. I’ll get the results soon. This is the first *real* x-ray check after I finished my treatment - so I’m quite a bit nervous. This is a stressful week with little sleep and lots of thoughts.
- The best summer ever!
It felt so good to be abroad again with my backpack - a giant relief that after so long, to a large extent I’m doing again the things I like to do. And traveling was high on my list of things to do.
It started with traveling to Istanbul with five friends for three weeks : Died, Clemens, Arjen, Paul and Lennert. We go on holiday together every year and it’s always a lot of fun. Istanbul is an ancient authentic city of stunning beauty - and very European in atmosphere. We played cards in the park behind the grand Topkapi Palace and lounged at the ultra-hip Leby-i derya with smashing views on the city. The weather was great throughout. For those interested, pictures and stories can be found on my website under “Travel”.
This was followed directly by a fan-tas-tic month of traveling with Sanne throughout the westcoast of the United States. We had planned this holiday right after my time at Princeton but now were finally able to go. I didn’t really dare looking forward to it, probably being afraid it might not happen again. But even if I would have had any expectations, they would have been exceeded by far : we had a great time together! We rented a big car and drove all over the westcoast. We camped in Yosemite and Yellowstone Park. We saw dolphins, humpback whales, hordes of bison, moose, a bear at 5 meters and many more. These animals really live out there in the wild - and not only on Discovery Channel! We gambled in Las Vegas and I won back what Sanne lost :D.
I grew steadily stronger over the holidays and became more relaxed. Signs of mental recovery. I became so relaxed, I even let Sanne drive ;-)! You HAVE to check out these pictures to get an impression of our 5.000 miles trip :
http://www.van-willigen.net/weblog/2005/09/01/westcoast-10-picture-highlights/ (copy in one line to the address-bar)
- I’ve read a book!
For the first time I read (and finished!) a book while on holiday - besides dozens Lonely Planets and magazines. I read Lance Armstrong’s “It’s not about the bike” in the US - and it was shocking. Although our cases are different medically - the resemblances are amazing in everything else. The book is one giant déjà vu! Sanne read it too and finds the resemblances surprising as well, especially in our attitudes. Would going through cancer involve such similar experiences no matter what type of cancer or where you live?
- Benefits? Anyone?
“Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me”, Lance Armstrong writes after he recovered. That sounds totally ridiculous and contrary. Why would you want to have had something you worked like hell for to get rid off?
Cancer is not gentle – it forces you to go through surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy, to talk about rates of survival, cope with countless side effects, take in loads of medicine and makes you bank sperm and possibly remain unfertile. You are surrounded by unending uncertainty. No ’shock and awe’ as sequential treatments weaken you slowly and surely over time. Despite supporting friends, you face a lonely battle with your body. And some of the patients who do everything right to beat cancer, die anyway. This is the reality of cancer for you.
For the lucky ones who survive, however, there is something beneficial to consider. Fighting for your life is a truly transforming experience.
While cancer constantly tries to crack your skull, it makes you more “human” in the process. In the oncology/hematology department of the LUMC nobody is being the cool guy on the block or worried about how their hair is looking today (you got the joke?). Nobody is faking anything. People cry, people are scared, people feel wrecked and people smile because they live to see another day. People are real and occupied with real and human things.
What were the things I was scared of before I got cancer? Only superficial stuff and nothing compared to what cancer-patients go through any day of the week. During my treatments I felt often very weak and sometimes scared cancer might return. And I’m not the only one - there are so many patients out there going through all of this right now. That makes you humble.
Cancer forces you to think about your life and how precious it is. How valuable is living? How valuable exactly has your life been so far? What have you done with it to make it important, special or even just yours? Did you live for things or people beside yourself too? Cancer is fighting for your life, and making clear it is worth fighting for. I found this is a strongly transforming experience. It yields a certain form of determination involving appreciating life, striving for self-realization and having an eye for others. It provides some form of helicopter view on your life. Perspective.
Lance Armstrong is an example of this, too. He is determined to win any race he participates in, but he’s not motivated by any prize-money, medals or even the famous yellow shirt; he’s out there showing that the unthinkable is thinkable for cancer-patients. He inspires healthy and sick alike because he shows that a once very ill Human can win the most gruesome sports event on earth not once, but seven times in a row. He even got married twice! He proves you are limited only by your own imagination. I’m not at all surprised he says he changed from biking ‘for money’ to biking ‘for the inspiration of all’ after cancer. Lance rules.
Things to think about at night.
My name is Rogier. I live Strong.